There’s always something forbidden about being gay


           There’s always something forbidden about being gay. Maybe because it’s considered a sin by some either way it’s always this taboo subject you can’t be. I grew up in a really homophobic home even though my house wasn’t toxic this subject was. First time I heard a homophobic comment was when I was 9 to 10 years of age. My parents had mentioned to all of my siblings and I of how wrong homosexuality was how horrible of a sin it was that can send you straight to hell. For a while that was my view on it I would turn my nose up in disgust in any mention of homosexuality because it was a sin. Right?
        One of the first times I realized I was different was when I Came Upon a video of Brendon Urie. I was mesmerized by his looks. None of my friends seem to understand why I like them so much. “He’s just so talented,” I would say to them, whatever, it didn’t mean anything.
       I went on with my life looking down and anything that was slightly gay. Then my friend got a girlfriend. It was something about their relationship infuriated me, so much that I couldn’t stand them together. I figured I just had a crush on the girl, and that’s what I told all my friends.
       Ninth grade rolls around and I discover brendon urie, and I became says, I would watch every video his and memorize his songs. I just thought was another music obsession, till I realized something awful. I like him really like them, more than a heterosexual should. I had to pretend to be obsessed girls and had to act like I was the straightest person they’ve ever met. I started talking to a friend of mine about him.
       “Wait, your not gay are you? Not that I care but you’re obsessed with him and you know.” he asked in suspicion.
       ” no, I’m not gay but I think halsey is sexy as hell though.” I said as I immediately began to panic, but it wasn’t a lie about halsey.
       I still listened to why homosexuality was wrong at home so I let everyone believe I was straight. Until one day I couldn’t handle keeping this sin of a secret anymore. I had to let it out before I burst my true self out and ruin everything. So I got with a best friend out to eat so I can tell her.
      “so, what did you want to tell me?” she asked in curiousness.
      “I think I might be gay.” as I said that, I started to feel panic, shame, guilt and relief. All these feelings hit me like a truck, I couldn’t believe I said that and meant it.
      After a few months I met this guy and I talked about him with my best friend, since I couldn’t talk about him to anyone. He became the reason I couldn’t wait to check my phone because I couldn’t wait to get a message from him. We would often flirt with each other but in that weird context manor like: “I think you’re really cute but we’re just friends haha no homo.” then one night he asked me, “do you like me?” as soon as he said that heart started pounding and my hands started shaking. “yeah I do.” I replied nervously. I remember throwing my phone across the room as I sent that text. He later then replied, “I like you too, got to go, good night.”
       I have never been so happy, and it was all because of a guy. Probably because the thing I kept telling myself, the thing that was a horrible sin, that I had to shame until it went away. I then realized shouldn’t be ashamed of what really makes one happy unless it’s murder of course. I shouldn’t feel guilty for having a crush on someone. When we feel comfortable and unashamed. Because of his help I eventually came out to the rest of my friends and family.
        Having feelings towards the same gender doesn’t make you a bad person or less than anyone else. Guilt for lifted and I never felt so happy. I learned that I shouldn’t hide away feelings even though they’re considered bad because it can eat someone’s insides up